Let’s talk about MENTAL HEALTH This is my story

After being pronounced cancer free in 2013, I was full of joy and I was glad this was over. I hadn’t realized how much the recovery process had taken a toll on me, from the amnesia that completely took over from the time I started chemotherapy. Sleeping throughout the whole night became a stranger to me until I was put on sleeping pills by my Oncologist, which later on also had me to be asleep all day. There was a lot of imbalance both physically and emotionally but at the time I didn’t know what this was doing to my mental heath.

The thing about mental illness is, it comes from a collection of a few events  in our lives. We don’t feel it building up and when a few signs show up, we ignore them. In my case, I wasn’t even paying attention and quite honestly at age 20, no one either in Rwanda or in my circle talked about mental health. It wasn’t a topic then.

In the midst of being sleep deprived, I had to face things like my hair falling off, an absurd amount of body fat escaping my body and taking away every bit of confidence in how I looked, I remember going through the hospital corridor with my head bowed so I don’t have to make eye contact with everyone looking at me. They probably didn’t even care about me, people there had their own businesses to mind.

This continued even when I came back home, I avoided any social situation and I just wanted to isolate myself.

Fast forward.

It’s now been 2years, it’s 2015 I have gone back to what seemed like a normal life; I was working, taking a short course but in all of this something just didn’t feel right. I was in an emotional distress, which sometimes interfered with my daily functioning. I tried creating joy and that always left me feeling even more tired. Late night outings, going to the club 3-4 days a week, thank God I wasn’t drinking because that would have been something else. So basically clubbing, and social gatherings become my refuge. Oh and food, while everyone else thought I was picking up all the weight I had lost fast and that was a good sign physically  but emotionally I was stressing eating.

At home nobody understood what I was going through, and I can’t blame them because neither did I. I would find myself crying over something so little like breaking a nail. When someone would annoy me, I would cry like I’d just been stabbed. But that’s sorrow from everything I had gone through that piled itself. Never had I cried during everything I went through, I would just find something to distract my mind from thinking about it. 

Mid 2015, I decided to do something, quite uncommon to our culture, but I started going for counseling. I took the initiative after my 6^thpanic attack during the night that left me feeling like I can’t go on like this. The first panic attack was the most terrifying experience I had ever lived; mind you I had just had cancer. I had had multiple anxieties and panic attacks episodes. Going for counseling was one of the best decisions I had ever made and I am glad we had a center in Rwanda.

Since then, thanks to my very successful sessions, life was just bliss. I lived again because see before I was just existing. Excitement come back again, I started making life goals. It’s like I become a whole new person.

Counseling/therapy has the power to bring us to self. It makes us open doors in our minds that will lead to healing. And healing unlocks our future.

Anyways, A week ago, I developed a minor depression episode with everything that’s been going on”

             The COVID-19 pandemic has put me away from my friends and family and knowing personally people who had been tested positive for the virus.

         The country lost a dear person to a lot of people, Rest in peace Virgil. And a lot of my friends lost family members.

         We entered the 26^thcommemoration of the genocide against the Tutsi. I was up all night, reading testimonies and they were truly horrifying.

                              IT WAS A LOT FOR MY BRAIN.

  One night in particular, I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I was feeling anxious and worried. I almost had a panic attack and was able to stop it. Now that I am well aware of this, I’ve been able to feel it coming and I stop it and this is something I learnt during counseling. After years of trying to overcome this, the devil saw an open door and tried to sweep in. Realizing this, I had to make the conscious decision to spend fewer hours on social media and focus on better hobbies like reading and writing. 

         And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death                                           

Revelation 12:11

I hope you stay encouraged but this as you stay safe at home. Thank you for reading. 

XO

FAITH OVER FEAR

             Sometimes I think I’ve been through too much which has made me immune to a lot of things that should strike fear in me. But is it enough to just feel fearless?

As a Christian, being fearless should derive from a place of great faith and believing that whatever you are going through, God’s got your back.  Also, in times of lack of faith which comes rushing in with deep fear and anxiety, which is very common to all of us as much as you pray and believe in God sometimes fear will get a hold of you. That is a good time to seat and think about your emotions and I have learnt both through experience and counseling trainings that most of the time fear derives from a past traumatic experience that somehow always finds a way out even though the situation at hand are not related to our past situations. That is your brain playing tricks on you. In most cases something you didn’t heal from will always hunt you back in form of fear and that is why healing is very much so encouraged. Healing eliminates chronic fear.

And so back to choosing faith over fear now and in any point of our lives; it is good to look back at past situations that God pulled you out of and use that as an insurance to choosing faith over fear. Though they were not easy but no situation allowed by God in our lives leaves us the same. The life lessons carry much more weigh and value than the tears that were shed. I can testify to that.

                 

                Faith is the act of believing in the things you can’t touch or see which makes it a choice. 

       In this times of the COVID-19 pandemic, a lot of people have chosen fear over faith and some of them are Christians, which is very sad and a lot of people have questioned God. Other “Christians” have decided to ignore the instructions of their Ministry of health by going out and doing as they please in the name of “God is bigger than any virus” hmmm, now this is where I believe God is testing his so called people. The bible teaches about DISCIPLINE AND OBEYING LEADERS AND AUTHORITY. And so where do we stand? Are we missing the point here?

Judges 6:23 “Calm down! Don’t be afraid”

Exodus 14:14 “The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm”

During this period, take time to evaluate your relationship with God especially your faith. God is trying to send a message here people, let’s not miss it by just leaving in fear, let’s stay at home, be safe and practice discipline and obedience as we reflect on the coming months of the rest of the year.

Quick reminder:

“Calmness is the way we show that we are trusting God”

“Sometimes God calms the storm.

Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child”

SINGLEHOOD, A gift to self

        

      About 3 years ago, August 2016 to be more precise the lord visited me and by this visit I don’t mean I heard a loud big voice from heaven speaking down to me, his voice was rather smoothing and comforting. It was one night after I’d come from a date night with my boyfriend at the time, the night had been yet another dragged, unnatural date night and that had honestly been the common components of what made our relationship. It was a relationship that I had gone in thinking, “Oh he is a nice guy, let me give him a chance”. Mistake number one. There was also the fact that everyone around me said I was picky and I am going to die single is I don’t come down from my high horse. I always knew what I wanted but that time; I had given into the pressure and actually started believing that what I was looking for wasn’t out there. And so that night, when I got to my room and started getting ready for bed, my heart was an easy. What is wrong? I kept asking myself.

       See, I don’t know about some of you who’ve read “THE WAIT” by Devon Franklin and Megan Good but reading that book while in a relationship like the one I was in will complete wrench you and challenge the life out of you because that’s exactly what happened to me. When there’s lack of common interests and good conversations, the relationship tends to rely on the physical side and that’s what was happening in my relationship. At a point I started feeling like I needed better but unfortunately the wrong reasons of me being there always kept me there pushing. Pajamas on, and I am ready for bed. And that’s when I felt it in my heart, soul and minds that this, all of this and whatever all of this was needed to END.  

      

  That’s when I started praying and God started speaking to me about “Singlehood”, see I’d never really thought about this, all I knew was when you are single you are just there waiting for prince charming to lift you up your feet and live happily ever after, and when you are in a relationship, fam you just living your best life but what I didn’t know was that my life was about to be changed at that moment. “You need to be single”I heard it plain and clear. “Seek me, love me and serve. Didn’t I say and the rest shall be added unto you”believe me when I say Matthew 6;33, had never hit that hard until that moment right there. Confused and all, I just went under my covers and drifted off to sleep. The next day, the relationship ended in a very natural way (That’s another story, for another day.)

Few days later, there I was feeling like a new creature, ready to take on a new challenge and the whole world, I promise you the voice of God will make you feel that way.  Though, I t wasn’t easy to just hit the stop button on the relationship I knew it was those painful things you have to do basically reap the bandage off and move on. So I did.

FAST FORWARD…

It’s 2019, I have totally lived out my single life, I have published a novel, I have started a business and I had traveled a few places and enjoyed every bit of it. I never allowed myself any distractions, at this point I was well and content that God had really called me to this journey of singlehood. This is what almost 3 years of singlehood had done in me; I had healed from past woods, I had discovered my purpose, my relationship with God was deeper, I was serving in church and quite honestly my hair was growing and my skin was glowing too, this is real talk. This was the power of choosing self and so if y’all want to understand my passion for singlehood this is a few of the reasons why. I always tell the people close to me “Even as a married women, I will always encourage young ladies to give singlehood a try”. And when I say give singlehood a try, I don’t mean take a six months interval between relationships because healing takes a lot longer than that. I am living proof and I am not also saying that you need to take 3 years either but take enough time to experience the goodness of God that he has for you in the season of singlehood.

March, 31^th2019 my season of singlehood was over and God was taking me to another season, he was about to show himself differently again. See, this is why we always got to stay “OBEDIENT TO THE CALL”. What I was about to experience right then was the fruit of obedience. I am not saying obedience is easy in fact it is one of the hardest things I had to do; I had days where I was like TO HELL WITH THIS. I NEED TO BE BOOO’D UP AND I NEED IT NOW and that’s when God would send reminder. I discovered a few motivational speakers on YouTube whose goal was to encourage young ladies traveling through this season and of course the one that carried me throughout was “THE RELATIONSHIP GOALS” series By Pastor. Mike Todd from Transformation church in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Now, that one completely turned the tables for me. See I thought singlehood was a season to stay away from men etc but it’s much more than that, it’s a season of developing self-love, healing, exploring and a lot of soul searching. 

Up came this young, good looking, God fearing, loving and caring man. He came to my life very peacefully and just allowing everything to play out naturally. This man was everything I had been waiting on. He came at the right time and he came with the right intensions. With him, I experienced so much genuine love, good and constructive conversations. Our relationship started off on a foundation of deep honesty and vulnerability. He came with so much clarity and not a single sense of doubt and I knew God had delivered on his promise, I had handed him the keys to my heart and now he had found me a human on earth he would hand the keys to and all I had to do was allow him in. I knew this is the man of my dreams and the father of my children.

Something that I realized in my single season that I didn’t know was happening was that God was somewhere in there preparing me for the next season. Because when this man came, I was ready, I felt ready and every part of me was ready for the next big step from the get go. That is why, 7 months into our relationship he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, I said yes but my heart had said yes way before that. This was an official proposal; if I must call it so. The first proposal happened 3 weeks into our relationship and we started planning a future together. This has been one awesome journey and I owe it all to the obedience to the call of singlehood.

Aligning your passion with your purpose

  Growing up, I always knew that I wanted to work in Tourism.
I was one of those kids who responded immediately to adults when asked what I wanted to do when I grow up and my response was always “I want to tour the world.  
Of course, at that time, my 8 years old self didn’t know what to call the career until a few years later when I talked to someone about my dream “oh you want to do tourism” was their response and there I was at 15 years old, I knew I had finally chosen a career and that would lead me for a while. 
Throughout high school my love for traveling never went away and it still hasn’t, so in 2015 I decided to pursue my dream academically and I registered at a school of tourism for a tour and travel short course.  

Before that I had been on a few trips, though most of them were for medical purposes I still enjoyed every second of it (that’s how much joy traveling brought to me). 
I remember in 2012 when I had to travel to India for treatment with a hip pain, an upset stomach and many other complications but I was so focused on the trip that it definitely took my mind off the pain I was enduring. The thought of traveling outside of Africa for the first time and excitement about all the adventures in India despite experiencing all of  that in pain didn’t bother me at all, just being there in that moment was all that mattered.  

Fast forward… 

  

Years later, I discovered another passion that was deep in my soul and crying to come out. 
This too started in high school as writing poems brought out my passion for writing and telling a story. 
After my travelling experience, I found myself wanting to retell my journey, so I created a blog spot account which was very active until I started the journey of writing a novel. 
On my blog I shared about each and every exciting experience I had encountered on those trips and the growth of my faith and now I mainly share about my walk of faith on this same blog spot account you are reading this from. 
And so, on the road to discovering my passion I discovered that traveling and writing were the two things I loved doing. Months later, I dropped out of the short course- turns out they weren’t really offering what I had expected to be learning and since I was at a point in my life where I was trying to figure out how to fulfill my passions and align them with my career it wasn't a hard decision to make. 
Then a few months later, since I had so much free time on my hands, I embarked on a journey of writing my very successful novel “MY NAME IS LIFE”, which felt like a crazy idea at first. 
The spirit of doubt took over on some bad days but I pressed through & even now I can't believe I did it. 
8 months later and I am still processing it... it’s still sinking in that I actually did it and finished it because I am the only person who can understand how this all came about.
I’m very sure everyone reading this can relate to an incident in their lives where they started something just for just and few years later it’s A MASTERPIECE. 
Anyways so the book is written, published and am there like so God, what next? 

  

Right now, I like to imagine that God was like “Ummm so remember your passion for travelling? 
Okay let me show you how I work.” 

  

I literally started travelling the same month I launched my book in March 2018.
I started my book tours in East Africa and mehhhnnn hasn’t this been one of the the most exciting journey of my life!!!
Here I am traveling because I was obedient to God’s purpose for my life and wrote my book.
I actually gave up on my tourism dreams because even academically I had found more of an interest in journalism- which is what I am currently pursuing academically but if I could actually do them both I would.
I've come to realize that I don't have to take tourism courses to have a career in tourism and maybe God has other plans for my travel dreams which do not include a classroom.   

   God took all my passions and aligned them with my purpose, all of them. And of course, I haven’t been everywhere I want to go but I know that my purpose will take me there because so far it’s already doing so. That is how our faithful God works. 
His no’s are for the best and I have seen it first hand, even in my day to day life when something doesn’t work out I’m immediately rejoicing because I know that there's better which I have to wait for. Xx 

  

SPECIAL NOTE: God spoke to me about this few month ago and I am happy to share this revelation with you.
I hope you can relate to it and I hope it blesses your heart xx 

                                               On my way to Zanzibar on a ferry. 

A place I've always wanted to visit for as long as I can remember.

The Power Of Your Testimony

March 9^th 2018 was one of the biggest days of my life.
It was the day that the Lord had made & I introduced and birthed my very first novel
“My name is Life” to the world.
I had poured everything I had in me to complete the book, and did not only want to see it finished but also wanted to make sure that I had shared my full/ honest story.
Telling the world about the goodness of God was very important to me as I had come to see how the God I serve is a healer and a promise keeper.
I was very excited to testify of  how we not only serve a good and faithful God, but we also serve a God of the IMPOSSIBLE.

I was proud of myself and so was my family.
A few days after my launch my Uncle congratulated me once again on this big achievement by also letting me know that God was pleased and happy about my obedience towards seeing this mission from God complete (btw God had used my Uncle previously to let me know that I should write my book. That story is in my previous blog).  
What I didn’t see coming were his words that followed.

“You should also know that you have made the devil very angry” He said lowering his tone.

In that moment, I didn’t even know what to say; I was stuck between “Yamay’inka” and “What do you mean?”

Yamay’inka: A Kinyarwanda expression usually used in shock

“Made the devil angry?” I thought to myself trying to figure out what he was talking about and my eyes widening from fear.

“See, what the enemy meant for evil, God turned it into your good”. 
“Also, you chose not to keep to yourself what God had done for you, but you have chosen to share the goodness of God world wide, you have shared your testimony." He added.

In that moment, I am just starring at him analyzing carefully every word coming out of his mouth and wondering whether he was just saying this out of his own understanding or if he was transmitting a revelation he had gotten...( He is one of the men of God I respect and I have seen God use him before in the most amazing ways. He is also one of the wisest men I know- literally every word that flows from his mouth is just plain and simply wisdom & I am grateful to call him my Uncle).
Deep down  I believed he was sharing a God given revelation.

“Don’t be alarmed if you start seeing things happening around you that don’t make sense. Like the enemy using people to disrupt your peace and seeing jealousy demonstrated in people in ways you never expected” He said this looking densely into my eyes as we sat opposite each other.

In that moment, I didn’t know how to react but somewhere in my mind I knew I had to pray hard even though I knew that there was no way I would ever be ready for such things.
My Grandma and Aunt were also in the room with us, prior to that we were all just talking and laughing as my Uncle got ready to bless us with a word of prayer.

Fast forward, a few days later my Grandma got really sick and I have to say in the 25 years I’ve been on this earth I’d never seen my Grandma very ill besides her blood pressure problems and her sugar levels dropping and rising due to her diabetes which she had been able to control over the past years.  But on the particular day. Her health was under serious attack, which took all of us at home completely by surprise.
She was rushed to the hospital and from then on she was in and out of hospital getting worse by the minute as something different kept coming up on her medical charts. The month of April really took a toll on our family.

“See, the devil has already started disrupting your life” my Uncle said, “You need to pray hard, pray for your book and mostly pray for your testimony because this is just the beginning of your battles”
And honestly at that moment I realized that I was slowly letting the devil win because I was emotionally drained from worrying about my Grandma, as well as taking care of her while she was in hospital.
Prior to this happening I had gone to Kampala,Uganda to launch my novel and even though it went very well,  I had gotten the news that Grandma was in hospital and all I wanted to do was drop everything and just come home to be with my Grandma but the Lord gave me strength to go stay focused and go through with all I had to do in Uganda.

As days went by I started praying and meditating on what my Uncle had said while I tried to understand exactly what was happening around me spiritually & in that moment I got the revelation on the power of sharing our testimonies.
On our Christian journey, we are taught about the power of sharing a testimony so that the hopeless will be restored home and so that the name of the Lord would be glorified.
But this time around I understand that it is powerful to share your testimony so that we remind the devil that he has no room in our lives and whatever harm he has in store for us, we have a Saviour fighting with us and for us.

A week after that I became completely spiritually dry.
I wasn’t praying as much as I should yet this was the time I needed to stand up and fight.
Basically the timing couldn’t have been any worse but thank God who sees what's in our hearts when we aren’t able to express it in words. Plus He doesn’t hold our disconnection with him against us.

After that, even though my Grandma was still fighting for her life, I knew I wasn’t going to back down and let the enemy win. I gracefully continued my journey of sharing my testimony and making sure it went far and beyond. That’s when I resumed my book tour and went to Nairobi, Kenya.
I had to organise everything for the trip (find a venue & accommodation for my team and I) while I was still assisting my Aunt with taking care of Grandma who by then by the grace of God was getting so much better.   

Kenya was full of surprises and blessings. As I sat in a room full of strangers who were all there to hear my story and excited to buy my book, I was overwhelmed and regained a feeling that had been stolen over the past 2 months. I once again felt proud of myself for having gone through with sharing my story. MY TESTIMONY.  
I also learnt that when you go to a country or a place to share your testimony expect the worst because you are about to shine your light & the devil will try to dim your light but do not allow him. My highlight in Kenya was the day I went into a Café to meet up with someone but later on, I came to understand the real reason I was there, in that cafe
I was seated with my cousins after eating and waiting for our bill when a young lady walked in wearing leggings, a green shirt with a white sweater over it carrying her brown tote on her shoulders,she weighed about 40 kgs and I noticed that she was bald that's when it came to my attention that she was currently undergoing Chemotherapy.
Everything about her appearance confirmed it,she looked like me 5 years ago (at the back of my novel, I have a picture of how I looked, exactly like this young lady).
Let me tell you something, I usually don’t walk around with a copy of my novel but on this particular day, I had one and I immediately took it, signed it and gave it to this amazing stranger as my gift to her, she was in shock of how a stranger just gave her a free book, better yet the author herself.
 

Anyways, Long story short, you might be reading this and wondering why I am sharing all of this...

I am sharing this to bring to light the power of sharing your story/testimony- sharing how you overcame and found a breakthrough.
Also, share in order to restore hope as well as shame the devil and YES, let’s make the devil angry and put him in his loser spot!! Which he was put in long before we were created and on the cross at Calvary.
As we do so, let us fight everyday to be shielded by strong prayers (this is something am pushing for every minute of my life, please say a prayer for me, okay?) because that is the strongest weapon we have and really need.
Let’s ask God to reveal to us the hidden battles in order to know what we are fighting against spiritually.
I have come to know that spiritual battles are REAL and the saddest life to live is living in a war you don’t know about. Once you’ve been marked by God you become an immediate target...
BUT WE ARE ALREADY VICTORS, NOW LET’S WALK IN VICTORY